The layers of network hell

Backspin By Mark Gibbs, Network World, 06/26/06

Brothers and sisters! We are in Internet hell, and I, the Rev. Dr. Mark Gibbs (let me hear you say, "Howdy, Rev!"), am here to show you the way to salvation!

To escape Internet hell you must first understand it. According to Dante, hell (the biblical kind) has nine circles. Internet hell is somewhat less complex. It’s made up of layers rather than circles, and only seven of them at that (natch). On the other hand, compared with Dante’s vision, Internet hell is truly, er, hellish.

We start at the outermost layer of Internet hell, the Layer of the Unknowing. Here you will find the lost souls of the newbies who know not why they are there nor where they are nor what time zone they are in. They do know, however, that Mrs. Princess Mawa, a widow in Cote d’Ivoire, needs their assistance in a business relationship regarding the transfer of $10 million.

Newbies are ferried across the river TCP/IP by the ferryman AOL. Clouds of spam rain down on the newbies, and howls of anguish rise up as they are compelled to press the Y in response to the question "All files in directory will be deleted! Are you sure (Y/N)?" Let me hear you say, "Where’s the Any key?"

The next layer of Internet hell is the Layer of the Lustful, reserved for the spammers, the phishers, the hackers and Mrs. Princess Mawa, otherwise known as Clive Scroggle of Scranton, Ohio. These people should all burn for eternity, but no one seems to be able to find them.

The Neutrality Layer, also known as the Layer of Self-interest, comes next (let me hear you say, "Monopoly if ever I saw one!") and houses those otherwise known as the telcos. The telcos whine endlessly about how it’s their party and they’ll make us cry if they want to, but they know they need to grease a lot more palms before they get their evil way.

Of course, the telcos all know they are sinners and what they do is wrong, but, driven by the demon Outrageous Profit, they cannot help themselves. They are damned to spend all eternity (that’s roughly a financial quarter) buried up to their armpits in customer complaints.

The Layer of the Wrathful and Sullen is the resting place of the geeks (let me hear you say, "Apache!"). This layer is stuffed with those who drive around with bumper stickers proclaiming, "The Internet is full, please go away," who identify with Dilbert and who argue that the ‘Net must carry all traffic without preference or favor – particularly if that traffic belongs to their latest start-up.

The next layer – the Layer of the Gluttonous and the Avaricious – is the province of the venture capitalists and anyone foolish enough to have invested in Vonage’s IPO. The VCs writhe in the eternal torment of long lunches and meetings with start-ups that all pitch their ideas for a business based on social networking for hamsters (let me hear you say, "Sounds like hell to me, and I’ll have another glass of that splendid Chateau Lafitte.")

Now we come to the big-time sinners in the Layer of the Panderers and Seducers. Here you will find the pressure groups such as the Parents Television Council and the American Family Association. These outfits game the system to promote their right-wing, mainly faith-based agendas (let me hear you say, "Sneaky!"). This plays right into the interests of the denizens of the next layer.

The Layer of Politics is where we find the lackeys of the government. Every inhabitant walks continuously in circles and agrees with whatever is said to them, no matter how illogical it might be. These sinners are capable of embracing multiple competing policies simultaneously without having their heads explode. More’s the pity.

And at the center of Internet hell is what? (Let me hear you say, "Tell us, Rev!") Verily, brothers and sisters, I say unto you that at the center of Internet hell is where we are! We can only fight the good fight, spread the good word (see RFC3751, "Omniscience Protocol Requirements"), and confess our network sins.